In all my years, I have never conducted a more unusual interview. Once, I had to spend a week pretending that I was an Oompa Loompa just to convince Johnny Depp to open to me, but that was another day at the office compared to what I had to do for this.
To begin with, I had to agree to being drugged, transported to an undisclosed location, and give up all contact with my friends and family for three weeks. Then, they trotted me around the Island, eventually bringing me to a quaint little ranch-style house nestled between groves of banyan trees. Once inside, they led me down to the basement, where I was splattered with something that might have been chicken blood but smelled more like the strawberry syrup I mix with my milk. After a few incantations, one of the walls slid away to reveal a torchlit chamber. Miles and miles later (and probably deeper into the earth, too), we finally made it into what they call the monster's den, a square room that seemed too big to be real. The walls were adorned with artwork from time periods ranging from early cave drawings right up to Andy Warhol prints. Here, I was given unprecedented access to one of television's most enigmatic creatures, LOST's "smoke monster."
LOSTblog: So, uh, hi. My name is Brad, and I'm here to interview you.
SMOKEY: Okay.
LB: It's really nice to meet you. I'm Brad Johnson.
S: Hi, Brad. It's good to meet you.
LB: I have the same name as a football player. And an actor.
S: Uh, yeah. That's nice.
LB: What about you?
S: What about me?
LB: Okay, this is awkward.
S: You're doing fine. Just relax. You're not accustomed to interviewing people, are you?
LB: Oh yeah, I am. It's just...uh...I don't know....
S: What questions to ask?
LB: No, that's not it. I've got plenty of questions. It's just that the first is...uh....
S: Just ask it. I won't think any differently of you because of a question.
LB: No, you see, I just....uh...don't know what to call you.
S: Huh? Oh, my name.
LB: Yeah, we know a lot about you, but not your name.
S: That's okay. My real name can't really be pronounced by humans. It's [unintelligible]. But a lot of people call me Cerberus.
LB: That's what the name given to you by the DHARMA Initiative, right?
S: Yeah. Those hippies thought I was the ghost of some noble dog, I guess. Some people call me Maurice.
LB: Really? Maurice?
S: Because I speak of the pompatus of love. [He chuckles, in a clicky sort of way.] No, see, I was making a joke.
LB: Ah. [Laughs.] That's a good one. Really, though, what should I call you?
S: You can call me Smokey, if you like. I've always been a fan of his.
LB: The bear?
S: Yes. His is a noble cause, protecting the wildlife and forests.
LB: That's very true. Anyway, moving along, can you tell me a little bit about yourself?
S: What would you like to know?
LB: Well, where'd you come from?
S: My parents, same as anyone.
LB: You have parents?
S: Sure. Well, I did. My father died when I was very young in a tragic accident with a sonic wave. Where I grew up, that's one of the usual hazards we face. My mother passed away about two hundred years later, just before the ninth ice age.
LB: So, you've been around a long time.
S: It all depends on your perspective, I suppose. In my world, time moves much quicker. A human life span seems so short to me that it's like nothing at all.
LB: Does that impact your view of the value of human life?
S: Not at all! I think it's amazing how much humans can accomplish in such a short amount of time. Of course, it's easier when you have thumbs.
LB: I thought you have thumbs. When you killed Mr. Eko....
S: Wait, stop right there. Let me clear something up. I did not kill Mr. Eko. That was an accident, plain and simple. He and I were playing around, just roughhousing, and things got a little out of hand.
LB: So you didn't have it in for him?
S: Why would I? He was a really nice guy. It was horrible that he had those hallucinations about his brother and all, but I think he was learning to deal with it. Crashing on the Island can be a traumatic experience, you know. And I tried to take his mind off of that, but one thing led to another, and he just died. Sometimes, I forget how fragile humans can be.
LB: Which brings me back to comparing you with humans in general. Like I said, I thought you have thumbs.
S: Oh, right. No, I can form a thumb, but I don't have thumbs. Two are much better than one, when you really think about it.
LB: Yeah, I can't imagine what I'd do with only one thumb.
S: Probably not play as many video games.
LB: Right!
S: Asteroids was the last game I could play. I could move that roller ball around, but when they started doing joysticks and buttons and everything, I was just lost.
LB: Without video games, what do you do for fun?
S: I wish I had time for recreation! I mean, every now and then I scan someone and absorb their memories, just foolin', you know. But it's a full-time job here on the Island.
LB: Yeah, about that. What is your job? I mean, I know that you're a security system, but that's kind of vague. Do you have a job description?
S: Not really, but that thing about the security system, that's a misnomer. I never could figure out why anyone would ever trust a woman who's so obviously Croatian but claims she's French.
LB: Me, either. But if you're not a security system, what is your role?
S: Well, you could call it that, I suppose, but it's not really accurate. I'm more of an exterminator.
LB: You track down people and kill them?
S: What? No, no, not at all! I'm an exterminator, not a murderer. It's just vermin.
LB: Still, they're people.
S: What people?
LB: The ones you kill.
S: What? No, wait. You're really confused, aren't you?
LB: One of us surely is.
S: I only kill vermin. Rats. Chipmunks. Mosquitos. That sort of thing. You notice, there aren't any on the Isand.
LB: Now that you mention it....
S: Even though I've eradicated much of the verminous population, and I did that ages ago, mind you, it's still a lot of work. I don't know how, but rats have a way of showing up anywhere. Mosquitos are the same way. Maybe they fly or swim or whatever, or they keep bringing them in on that dang submarine, but they get here. Compared to controlling the pests, keeping people off of the Island can't be anything more than child's play.
LB: So that's why they brought you in.
S: Yep, that's my purpose. Just part of the crew that maintains paradise.
LB: And who was it who brought you here?
S: Oh, he was some crazy guy. He had long hair and was talking all about natural living and how getting close to the Island was the only way to fly. Between you and me, I think he was on something.
LB: Did crazy guy have a name?
S: Well, yeah, I'm sure he did. I can't remember it, to tell you the truth. Could have been Dick, or John, or something like that.
LB: Was he one of the DHARMA Initiative, or an Other?
S: Other what?
LB: Like, one of the natives.
S: Natives? There are no natives. Not human, anyways.
LB: So, which was he?
S: I'm not sure. That was a long time ago, and I've never been good at remembering people. That's probably why I'm not in the book club.
LB: Okay. So, did you have any special training for your job?
S: Training? Are you kidding? They set a smoke monster loose on an Island that was crawling with rats and all kinds of buggers. Training for that would be like teaching Glen Beck how to run off at the mouth.
LB: You watch FOX News?
S: No way. I stick to CNN. Hey, can we wrap this up? I've got an appointment over at the Temple.
LB: Sure. I hate to keep you from your work. Two more questions?
S: That's cool.
LB: I was hoping you could settle a long-standing argument for us. Are you, or are you not composed of nanobots?
S: Oh, come on. I'm a smoke monster! Nanobots don't exist.
LB: Alright, last question. Team Jack, or Team Locke?
S: You really have to ask? It's not obvious?
LB: I just want to make sure.
S: Team Juliet. She smells pretty.
With that, I thanked Smokey for his time. He swirled around the room a couple of times, then poured himself through the cracks in the ceiling. It was a surreal experience, and I had left with the distinct impression that maybe he wasn't all that thrilled about opening up, but that day I walked across the Island with my head held high, feeling like I'd just sat down with the likes of J.D. Salinger, Harper Lee, or Marlon Brando. Especially Brando. I can't explain why, but they remind me of each other.
